The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
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Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
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I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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