I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
