I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
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We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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