you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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