So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
