my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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