on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
