I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
