Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize