got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
