if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I have aggressive nipples.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
