I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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