Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
