quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
