even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
where are my eyebrows?
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