apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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