this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
