I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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