She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
