Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
