Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
