Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
