you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
