just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
