I faked an abortion last night.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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