is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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