To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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