Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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