I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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