get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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