I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
