you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
