yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
