she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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