She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
