So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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