Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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