Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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