I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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