tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
