My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
