Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
