If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
