so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
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Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
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My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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