I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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