My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
