she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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