I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
