Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize