the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
