The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Randomize
