so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
