Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
