I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
