Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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