Swine flu. Run for my life!
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
